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2014 NFL Week 3 Predictions


Richard Sherman is one of the leagues best corners. He contained Demaryius Thomas and limited Peyton Manning’s passing options in Super Bowl 48. This week the defending Super Bowl Champion Seahawks host the Denver Broncos.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-2-0
Versus
Atlanta Falcons 1-1-0


Four days after the Ray Rice video, allegations about Adrian Peterson beating up a child went viral. I really did not want to make an Antwan Dotson Bedtime Intruder Remix. Unfortunately, my hands were tied. What Peterson and Rice did to a wife and child that could be Adrian’s son swayed me to make a Bedtime Intruder NFL parody.





Feel free to comment on this video. I will try to cut back on some of the parodies this week. Some are too epic not to comment on.




Why the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will win Tampa Bay needs to win on the road after stating 0-2. Josh McCown’s job is on the line. Without running back Doug Martin, the Buccaneers may have some problems obtaining a road victory in Atlanta.




Why the Atlanta Falcons will win Did you see what Matt Ryan did in the Georgia Dome against the New Orleans Saints? The Georgia Dome is basically a home field for Atlanta. They should win big. I love Ryan and the Falcons in this match up. This could be a big blowout.


Prediction: Atlanta enters this game as a 6.5 point favorite. The average better is betting $190 dollars on the Falcons to cover the spread. This should be a pretty safe bet to make. I am taking the Falcons big time in a huge blowout


Final Score Falcons 63 Buccaneers 17

San Diego Chargers 1-1-0
Versus
Buffalo Bills 2-0-0


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Why the San Diego Chargers will win Buffalo has a suspect secondary. Rivers is coming off a huge home win against the Super Bowl Champion Seahawks. Antonio Gates showed he can still be effective at this age




Why the Buffalo Bills will win The Bills’ offensive line has been phenomenal in two weeks. You are probably asking yourself the secret to the Bills’ offensive line since they did not allow a sack against the Chicago Bears or the Miami Dolphins and the team is sixth in rushing yards averaging around 150 yards per game.


Buffalo moved right tackle Erik Pears inside to right guard while starting Seantrel Henderson at right tackle. Henderson looked good and is playing like Orlando Franklin did when the Broncos made him a right tackle during his rookie year when Tim Tebow was the quarterback.


Buffalo also ranks sixth in the NFL in points scored The defense ranks sixth in points allowd as the Bills defense has only allowed 15 points per game. Buffalo also ranks fifth in rushing yards allowed only allowing 83 rushing yards. Ryan Matthews may be out, and you have a dangerous defensive line featuring Jerry Hughes, Marcel Dareus, Kyle Williams, and Mario Williams. These guys can stop the run or rush the quarterback.


Prediction: Buffalo enters this game as a 2 point favorite. The average gambler is betting $220 dollars on the Buffalo BIlls. It is understandable as to why fans are betting on the Bills. The defense looks legit so far, and a 3-0 start from the Buffalo Bills is very possible.


Final Score Bills 24 Chargers 16



Dallas Cowboys 1-1-0
Versus
St. Louis Rams 1-1-0


This just in. Jerry Jones has just hired former Initech Vice President Bill Lumbergh as the new GM and team consultant for the Dallas Cowboys. Every week we will get Lumbergh’s two cents on the Dallas Cowboys. So far Lumbergh is 1-0 after taking over as GM in week 2. The Cowboys won in Lumbergh’s first game as General Manager/Team Consultant.



Here is this weeks advice from Bill Lumbergh.

"Jason Garrett what’s happening? Tony Romo had a good game, but we still have a bit of a problem Jason. If you could not be a homophobe and start Michael Sam against his former team that would be great."

Why the Dallas Cowboys will win Dallas should start 2-1. The Rams have a shaky secondary. Janoris Jenkins is injured and Truamine Johnson is suspect. It is time for the Rams to add a new cornerback. I look for Dez Bryant and the passing game to tear it up again.




Why the St. Louis Rams will win St. Louis has a talented front 7. I feel like the Rams are good enough to stop DeMarco Murray. St. Louis is coming off a huge road win against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Wide receiver Brian Quick is second in the league in receptions with 14 through 2 weeks. Austin Davis faces a weak Cowboys’ defense that looked good in week 2 at the Titans.


Prediction: I like the Cowboys by 1. Ironically the Cowboys are only 1 point favorites on the spread with the average fan only betting $180 dollars on the Cowboys to cover. This could end up being a push.


Final Score: Cowboys 17 Rams 16

Washington Redskins 1-1-0
Versus
Philadelphia Eagles 2-0-0


Bill Clinton’s College Football Playoff Selection Special

Yahoo man. This is your 42nd William Jefferson Clinton. Last week I picked Florida State, Alabama, Oregon, and Oklahoma as my top four teams in that order. Would anything change in week 3?

  1. Florida State Seminoles: At #1 we have the Florida State Seminoles or as I call them the Semites. The Semites are led by the food stealer. Jameis Winston. The Seminoles are last years NCAA Champion so they deserve the top seed. Florida State is still my top team until they lose.

  2. Previous Ranking: #1

  3. Oregon Ducks: Marcus Mariota can still kick ass and unleash a jedi quack attack without Chubbles the Clown AKA Chip Kelly. Mariota showed he can be a pocket quarterback by taking snaps under center without using a shotgun package versus Wyoming. Mariota also guided the Ducks to a big victory over Michigan State a few weeks ago that moved them up to #2 in the polls.

  4. Previous Ranking: #3

  5. Alabama Crimson Tide: The SEC also known as the South East Collegiate Pimps is the best damn conference in college football period. This is coming from an ex Razorback. Go Razorbacks. I cannot stand the Alabama Crimson Tide. However they do have the biggest pimp in the SEC, AKA Nick Saban. Alabama gets this spot. Roll Tide Roll Yahoo man. The one reason why I am down on Tide at the moment is because the Crimson Tide have a weaker schedule then usual.

  6. Previous Ranking: #2

  7. Oklahoma Sooners: Bob Stoops is the biggest pimp in the Big 12. He faces an SEC team in the Tennessee Volunteers. We all know what Bob Stoops did to Nicky Saban in the 2014 Sugar Bowl. Stoops defeated another SEC squad when Oklahoma took care of business against Tennessee at home. We all know I did not have sugary sexual relations with Miss Monica Lewinsky.

  8. Previous Ranking: #4



Why the Washington Redskins will win Kirk Cousins started over Nick Foles at Michigan State. It is Cousins time to prove that he is a sleeper in the 2012 NFL Draft. Good news for Cousins is he gets to play his former backup twice this year in the NFC East. The Redskins recorded 10 sacks last week with Brian Orakpo posting 4 of those sacks.


Why the Philadelphia Eagles will win Philadelphia is already 2 games ahead of the 0-2 New York Giants. A win against the 1-1 Washington Redskins at home would give the Eagles a 3-0 record and a 2 game lead over the Redskins. That would be huge for Philadelphia. The offensive line knows how to protect Foles while opening up running lanes in the backfield. Right tackle Lane Johnson has served half of the games in his four game suspension, and no the new drug test rules would not reduce his suspension.


Prediction: The Eagles are 6.5 point favorites with the average fan betting $260 dollars on this contest. I think the Eagles win, but Washington finds a way to get the points.


Final Score: Eagles 17 Redskins 14

Houston Texans 2-0-0
Versus
New York Giants 0-2-0


It is time for our second installment of the Adventures Of NFL Deputy Commissioner Buddy Clements. Clements was the man at Slippery Rock as President of the SGA. I guarantee you that SGA could tackle half of the NFL’s legislation policies with a bare hand. Seriously though there are some hot topics in the NFL up for debate this week. SGA might only meet once every two weeks, but Clements will meet with the NFL once a week.


Adventures Of NFL Deputy Commissioner Buddy Clements EPISODE 2 Adrian Peterson And Other Random Things




Motion 1 All Those In Favor For Rescheduling Our Meeting About NFL Owners until next week due to numerous issues in the NFL



MOTION PASSED!

Motion 2 All Those In Favor For Letting Minnesota Vikings Owner Ziggy Wilf Spank Adrian Peterson in front of the kids he allegedly abused while former Viking Daunte Culpepper has a sex party on Wilf’s boat again



MOTION PASSED! The two kids that got spanked by Peterson get to videotape the Vikings owner spank Peterson also known as All Day like Newsguy and PEMCO. Culpepper took some Viking cheerleaders to good ole Ziggy’s private boat once again.

Motion 3 All Those In Favor of Calling The Dallas Cowboys Homophobia University Instead Of Grove City



MOTION PASSED! Jerry Jones began barking at the members of SGA only to be escorted out of the SGA meeting room. He had to wait for Michael Sam who was having too much fun promoting equal rights at Rockout.

Motion 4 All those in favor for reducing Lane Johnson’s suspension thanks to the new drug testing rules so he can play while Robert Griffin III goes on injured reserve so my Eagles repeat as NFC East Champions.



MOTION PASSED!

Next Week Clements and SGA will evaluate NFL Owners to make sure they do not abuse NFL Personal conduct policies. They were supposed to do that this week, but shit happened.



Why the Houston Texans will win The Texans have a top 10 defense with Romeo Crennel at defensive coordinator even without Jadeveon Clowney. Arian Foster looks outstanding when healthy. DeAndre Hopkins has 2 receiving touchdowns and is taking pressure off Andre Johnson. If the Texans’ offensive line continues to block this well, Ryan Fitzpatrick will continue to play turnover free football and win games. Having Jonathan Joseph and Kareem Jackson at cornerback across from each other with the emerging D.J. Swearinger at safety gives quarterbacks fits.




Why the New York Giants will win Eli Manning is better than Ryan Fitzpatrick. Another reason to like the Giants is because Jason Pierre-Paul has been phenomenal at right end so far.


Prediction: Houston is a 2.5 point favorite. The average gambler is betting $225 dollars on the Texans. I think that is a smart line, and the Texans will barely cover this week.


Final Score: Texans 20 Giants 14

Minnesota Vikings 1-1-0
Versus
New Orleans Saints 0-2-0


Lets look at the 0-2 teams. There are 7 teams that are winless entering week 3.


I expect the Raiders to go 0-3 and lose this week to my Patriots even though I have yet to break down their game. I also have the New York Giants and Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the teams picking right behind the Raiders in my 2015 NFL Mock Draft. The Jacksonville Jaguars and Kansas City Chiefs are both 0-2. The biggest surprise has to be the fact that the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts are both 0-2. I expect both of those teams to win while the other five squads start 0-3. I picked the Saints to get home field in the NFC at the beginning of the season, and picked the Colts to win this years Super Bowl. No Robert Mathis and a lack of a running game will likely those plans on hold. I picked Vikings over the Broncos in the preseason as my Super Bowl pick last year and the Vikings got a top 10 pick. Hopefully the Colts can do better, this week they face an 0-2 Jaguars squad, that should be an easy win.




Why the Minnesota Vikings will win If Adrian Peterson plays and they keep the ball out of Drew Brees hands, the Vikings have a shot to win. The Vikings’ offensive line was sloppy in week 2 after a spectacular performance against the Rams. What the Vikings do against the Rams could go a long way in determining what happens.




Why the New Orleans Saints will win New Orleans is due for a win in their home opener after two straight road losses. The Saints know the implications of this game.


Prediction: New Orleans is a 9.5 point favorite on the spread. The average gambler is betting $615 dollars on the New Orleans Saints. The Saints should win by double digits


Final Score: Saints 42 Vikings 10

Tennessee Titans 1-1-0
Versus
Cincinnati Bengals 2-0-0


Lets look at the 2-0 teams. There are 7 teams that are unbeatens entering week 3.


I already revealed that I have Philadelphia, Houston, and Buffalo going 3-0. The Bengals will have a chance to be the fourth of these teams to start 3-0. I will reveal whether the Arizona Cardinals, Denver Broncos, and Carolina Panthers win later in our weekly predictions. Also this will be the last thing involving speculation or parody for the early games. The other three parodies will be revealed later after reading four of 5 professional write ups that get straight to the point.




Why the Tennessee Titans will win I liked Locker a lot better than Andy Dalton heading into the regular season. Now things are kind of complicated after an unacceptable home loss to the Dallas Cowboys.




Why the Cincinnati Bengals will win Carlos Dunlap has been outstanding at right end. As long as Darqueze Dennard and Leon Hall start the secondary will be fine. George Iloka has two picks at safety and Terrence Newman have been effective as well. Newman has been rotating everywhere on secondary at field cornerback, strong safety, free safety, boundary corner, and nickel corner. Newman has seen the field frequently and has been effective playing different positions at defensive back. The Bengals’ pass defense is much better than the Cowboys, plus Cincinnati is at home.


Prediction: The Bengals are a 7 point favorites. The Bengals deserve to be the favorite the way this team is playing as a whole without A.J. Green. Dalton has that hard ass mentality that Rodgers had this season hoping to finally win a first Super Bowl. Dalton still has to sell me with a playoff victory in order to establish himself as that guy when playing quarterback. I think the Titans will do much better this week and possibly even cover the spread. I think this game goes to overtime. Going to take Ryan Succop and the Ttians by 3 in overtime. Tennessee is my upset of the week.


Final Score: Titans 24 Bengals 21 OT

Baltimore Ravens 1-1-0
Versus
Cleveland Browns 1-1-0


Why the Baltimore Ravens will win Baltimore is playing with a lot of momentum right now. I feel like the Browns lack a true pass rusher, and Flacco can pick apart the Browns’ secondary if Cleveland remains this suspect.




Why the Cleveland Browns will win Cleveland has Brian Hoyer and an excellent offensive line up front featuring Joe Thomas at left tackle, Joel Bitonio at left guard, Alex Mack at center, John Greco at right guard, and Mitchell Schwartz at right tackle. This offensive line will do well early because they are facing three of the worst pass rushes with Pittsburgh, New Orleans, and Baltimore in the first three weeks. Dumervil and Suggs do not look like the studs from last season, so nothing concerns me with the Browns at this point. This team is playing well at the right time. They have outscored their opponents 48 to 26 in the last six quarters.


Prediction: The Ravens are a 1.5 point favorites against Cleveland with the average gambler being passive only betting $130 dollars on Baltimore.


Final Score: Browns 24 Ravens 20

Green Bay Packers 1-1-0
Versus
Detroit Lions 1-1-0


Why the Green Bay Packers will win Green Bay has the linebackers with Clay Matthews, A.J. Hawk, Brad Jones, and Julius Peppers to read Stafford at all times. You also have a secondary that looked a lot better against Geno Smith and the New York Jets.




Why the Detroit Lions will win Detroit has a defensive line featuring Ziggy Ansah, Ndamukong Suh, and Nick Fairley. Detroit is much better than last year. In fact, both offenses will put up a show. I think this will be the game in week 3 with the most points.


Prediction: The Lions are 1 point favorite at home with the average gambler betting $260 dollars on the Lions. I think whoever wins will end up winning by a field goal in an offensive shootout. I like the Pack.


Final Score: Packers 38 Lions 35

Indianapolis Colts 0-2-0
Versus
Jacksonville Jaguars 0-2-0


Why the Indianapolis Colts will win The Indianapolis Colts were my pick to win the Super Bowl. Are you seriously going to tell me that the Colts will lose at home.




Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will win Unless the Jaguars start Blake Bortles they are basically screwed. Bortles gives the Jaguars a better chance to beat Andrew Luck than Chad Henne.


Prediction: The Colts show up and deliver a shutout. Indianapolis is a 7 point favorite on the spread with the average gambler betting $250 dollars on the Colts.


Final Score: Colts 35 Jaguars 0

Oakland Raiders 0-2-0
Versus
New England Patriots 1-1-0


Why the Oakland Raiders will win They won’t. Oakland will join the New York Giants, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the Jacksonville Jaguars with the rest of the NFL’s worst 0-3 teams.




Why the New England Patriots will win New England is facing the Oakland Raiders. You are not supposed to lose to the Oakland Raiders at home.


Prediction: The New England Patriots are a 14.5 point favorite on the spread. The average NFL fan is betting $800 dollars on New England to cover those 14.5 points. It will be close, but I am uncomfortable with betting actual money on the Patriots to cover the 14.5 point spread. Gonna do something ballsy by picking New England to cover while scoring under 20 points.


Final Score: Patriots 17 Raiders 0

San Francisco 49ers 1-1-0
Versus
Arizona Cardinals 2-0-0


Why the San Francisco 49ers will win San Francisco is extremely depleted up front. They have a chance if Drew Stanton plays.




Why the Arizona Cardinals will win Odds are Carson Palmer will play week 3. Even if he is inactive again, you still have Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd at wide receiver. You still have Patrick Peterson and Antonio Cromartie complimenting each other on the secondary. I love the idea of pairing Peterson with Cromartie. Both cornerbacks look like studs at this point.


Prediction: The Cardinals should win this game. San Francisco is a 2.5 point favorite and the average gambler is betting $500 dollars on the 49ers which is downright foolish.


Final Score: Cardinals 17 49ers 13

Denver Broncos 2-0-0
Versus
Seattle Seahawks 1-1-0


Peyton Manning needs to keep his composure against the Seattle Seahawks. He cannot have any panic attacks like the one here where he called out his tight end Julius Thomas.






Why the Denver Broncos will win Peyton Manning has the most dynamic offense in the NFL. Ryan Clady, Orlando Franklin, Manny Ramirez, Louis Vasquez, and Chris Clark up front. You got Demaryius Thomas, Emmanuel Sanders, and Wes Welker. Julius Thomas and Jacob Tamme play tight end. You have a backfield featuring Montee Ball and Ronnie Hillman. There is a window of opportunity to win a Super Bowl now. 2014 is the final year for Denver. If the Broncos fail this distance, Denver will have to rebuild over time.




Why the Seattle Seahawks will win Seattle knows this is a must win game after a careless let down against the San Diego Chargers. Playing at home against the team they defeated in last years Super Bowl will motivate the Seahawks for sure.


Prediction: The Seattle Seahawks are 5 point favorites on the spread. The average fan is betting $350 dollars on the Seahawks to cover the spread. I think Seattle wins by more than a field goal. Manning falls short of a touchdown. I would love to see him flip out at Thomas again.


Final Score: Seahawks 21 Broncos 17

Kansas City Chiefs 0-2-0
Versus
Miami Dolphins 1-1-0


It is time for a weekly update on the Obamacare Fantasy Football League that I created for fun back in July. Here to breakdown the highlights is none other than Stephen Colbert.





Stephen Colbert: Welcome To the Obamacare Fantasy Football League. Last week 2 Democrats and 2 Republicans emerged from the primary that was week 1 of a 10 week season. Sunday we saw 4 more games in the 8 team league.


Thanks to Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich there is no longer an undefeated republican. The Palin VS Romney game was a 111 to 110 nail-bitter that came right down to the wire. Romney had a 2 point lead, but Nick Foles the quarterback for team Palin would get more points then LeSean McCoy to guide Palin to victory. Newt Gingrich defeated Herman Cain 101 to 93. The worst part is he did it without Adrian Peterson. After Peterson was ruled out, Gingrich summoned backup Andre Ellington into the starting lineup. Luckily for Newt, Arian Foster lit it up against the Oakland Raiders.


Nation what makes these republican losses in the Obamacare Fantaasy Football League more devastating is that two democrats are 2-0. Both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama won folks.


Hillary Clinton barely edged out Joe Biden 101 to 100. After Marshawn Lynch, A.J. Green, and Aaron Rodgers she has nobody worth a damn on her team. And yet Clinton still wins even with Green having to leave the game with a toe injury.


What makes matters worse is that Obama won 209 to 39. Obama’s starting lineup consists of Peyton Manning, DeMarco Murray, Giovanni Bernard, Antonio Brown, Percy Harvin, Julian Edelman as a flex, Jimmy Graham, and the Chicago Bears defense in his starting lineup. That is team Obama folks. It is not just that Bill Clinton lost RGIII in the first quarter while Obama continued to run up the score. What an inconsiderate jerk folks. Obama has scored the most points in this Fantasy Football league for the first two weeks in a row while allowing the fewest points. Obama has outscored his opponents 336-98 in the first two weeks of the Obamacare Fantasy Football League.


You’re not Peyton Manning Obama, and you cannot flip out at congress like Manning did with Julius Thomas every time something doesn’t go your way just cause you are the president of America.


Joe Biden drafted Jamaal Charles with his first pick only to get hosed and now he has to face Obama in week 3. With Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery not playing until Monday Night, I think we can assume that Joe Biden is done while Obama will go to 3-0. The other Democratic game in week 3 features the Clinton’s. Bill Clinton drafted Calvin Johnson and Reggie Bush with his first two picks. Now that RGIII is injured, his backup Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford will start the rest of the season. Clinton will rely on this Lions’ offense to help him get a first win. Hillary Clinton has Aaron Rodgers on her team, so there is a chance Obama and Hillary Clinton are both 3-0 heading into next week which would set up a 3-0 Obama VS 3-0 Hillary Clinton match up in week 4 that would likely determine the first of four playoff spots in the Obamacare Fantasy Football League.




Why the Kansas City Chiefs will win I cannot think of a reason why the Chiefs will win. Jamaal Charles and Eric Berry are out. Those were the Chiefs two best players this year. Sad thing is the Chiefs may have won if both guys were healthy.




Why the Miami Dolphins will win Miami has a talented defense. You need time in the pocket and the right quarterback to pick apart this defense. Cortland Finnegan, Brent Grimes, and Louis Delmas. The pass rush featuring Oliver Vernon and Cameron Wake is good as well.


Prediction: The Dolphins enter this game as 4.5 point favorites. The average gambler is betting $360 dollars on Miami this week. I like the Dolphins in a defensive contest.


Final Score: Dolphins 17 Chiefs 14

Pittsburgh Steelers 1-1-0
Versus
Carolina Panthers 2-0-0


Welcome To NBC Sunday Night Football Survivor. My name is Ned Hastings. This Year, We have Team Michaels VS Team Collinsworth. Team Michaels consists of Al Michaels, Michele Tafoya, Dan Patrick, Mike Florio, and Peter King. Team Colinsworth features Cris Collinsworth, Bob Costas, Rodney Harrson, Hines Ward, and Tony Dungy.


After the Bears defeated the 49ers Everyone on team Collinsworth was ruled safe. Collinsworth received an individual immunity for winning. Tony Dungy found an individual immunity idol that would keep him safe. Al Michaels and Dan Patrick attempted to prank him by telling him that the idol was actually a cup that covered up Michael Sam’s balls. That prank backfired as Dungy walked away disgusted calling Al Michaels and Dan Patrick a bunch of homophobic queers.


Collinsworth put up Al Michaels and Dan Patrick. Not Collinsworth or the two nominees were allowed to vote. Everyone on team Collinsworth wanted Al Michaels gone. Michaels was considered the strongest overall player in the game because of his strategic wit and experience as a commentator. With 7 votes to 0. Al Michaels was evicted from the Island. Step Up Al hand us your torch.



Al the Tribe has spoken. You are no longer on NBC Sunday Night Football Survivor. Michele Tafoya is now in charge of Team Michaels from here on. In week 3 Tafoya and Team Michaels will get the Pittsburgh Steelers while Bob Costas get and Team Collinsworth get the Carolina Panthers. The winner of this contest will give their team immunity for the week while receiving an individual immunity that they can use later in the game.




Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will win The Steelers are too good to lose 2 in a row on the road. I feel like Ben Roethlisberger is due for redemption in week 3.




Why the Carolina Panthers will win The Panthers showed they have one of the NFL’s best defenses without Greg Hardy. The Panthers defeated the Steelers in the preseason at Heinz Field. With Cam Newton and a home crowd a lot could happen. Carolina has a front 7 that will stop the run and a pass rush that will give Roethlisberger little time in the pocket.


Prediction: The Panthers are a 3.5 point favorite and the average better is betting $350 dollars on the Panthers. I think Pittsburgh wins the game and the spread.


Final Score: Steelers 21 Panthers 20

Chicago Bears 1-1-0
Versus
New York Jets 1-1-0


Why the Chicago Bears will win Chicago has lots of playmakers that can pick apart a suspect secondary without Dee Milliner.




Why the New York Jets will win They have home field and are coming off a bad game. Geno throws less turnovers then the Bears then the Jets have a chance.


Prediction: The Jets are favored by a field goal with the average gambler betting $300 dollars. Chicago seems like they will win.


Final Score: Bears 35 Jets 34



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