Posted By: Chris Ransom on 9/12/2016

Julie Chen: Welcome to NFL Big Brother. My Name is Julie Chen and I'll be hosting NFL Big Brother where 32 NFL Teams compete against each other for the right to be HOH in order to play for the Big Brother Bowl. Last year the Carolina Panthers defeated the Denver Broncos to win the NFL Big Brother Bowl. Denver however defeated Carolina in Super Bowl 50 and then defeated them in a rematch at the White House.

President Obama said Carolina would get evicted if they lost to Denver in week 1 of the 2016 NFL Season. With Denver defeating Carolina to get to 1-0, Carolina has now officially gone from first to worst on NFL Big Brother becoming the first team to be evicted in 2016 after winning the NFL Big Brother Bowl in 2015.

Cam Newton: I cannot believe we were the first team evicted from NFL Big Brother in 2016. This is bullshit.

Julie Chen: Well Cam, if the Panthers won, Ron Rivera was going to have to turn into a Polar Bear as his have not punishment. Ron Rivera has been spared of that plus you won the first season of NFL Big Brother.

Cam Newton: That's true. Thanks for having us on Julie. We will be back in 2017.

Julie Chen: Carolina was the first team evicted from NFL Big Brother, but before tonight ends two more teams will be evicted from NFL Big Brother.We now take you to Roger Goodell. The commissioner has some important meetings with players that could have huge implications in NFL Big Brother.

Roger Goodell: Andrew Luck and Aaron Rodgers do you know why you are here?

Andrew Luck: Are we in trouble Goodell?

Roger Goodell: Of course not. In fact I have great news for both of you since you accepted the terms of my plan for NFL martial law.

Aaron Rodgers: That's right did you notice what I said in the huddle of the Packers VS Jaguars.

Roger Goodell: You went 6-6-6 the same way Peyton Manning said "Omaha!" Very good Aaron Rodgers. Very good. I'll make sure the Packers face the Colts in the Super Bowl as you will be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy this year unless Luck beats you again which I just don't see happening after Sunday's loss to the Lions.

Andrew Luck: Yeah, the Colts have a lot of work to do after Sunday's loss.

Roger Goodell: Great meeting guys. I have to get ready for the next meeting.

Tom Brady and James Harrison were starring at each other in the waiting room. Goodell called Tom Brady into his office.

Roger Goodell: Tom Brady, do you know why I brought you here? I brought you to my office for a good reason Thomas Edward Brady.

Tom Brady: Up yours Goodell. Only my father calls me that. Get to the damn point Goodell.

Roger Goodell: Someone pooped in my chair in my office on 9/11. I'm going to find out which player resorted to this terrorist attack and personally ban them from the NFL.

Tom Brady: There are more important things like the Patriots season. Just be glad you still have an office.

Roger Goodell: Right now you are the prime suspect. That's why I called you in here.

Tom Brady: Roger I challenge you to a thumb war. If I win you have to cancel my suspension and if you win I will tell you a quarterback that may have done this to you.

Roger Goodell: I accept your challenge.

Tom Brady and Roger Goodell had a thumb war. Brady won the thumb war, but was in a world of hurt after Goodell took the loss personally.

Tom Brady: Ouch. Why the fuck did you stab me.

Roger Goodell: You're gonna tell the media you ran around with scissors Thomas. If you don't I'll double your suspension length to 8 game because I'm pretty pissed that someone took a dump on my office chair on 9/11.

The Pittsburgh Steelers arrived at Roger Goodell's office. Goodell kept Le'Veon Bell and James Harrison. Goodell kept the two Steelers waiting for so long that we decided to go back to NFL Big Brother to find out what the Patriots are up to.

Liam Neeson: Bill I have a confession to make.

Bill Belichick: I have a game to prepare for against the Dolphins.

Liam Neeson: I pooped in Goodell's office on 9/11.

Bill Belichick: Do you realize what you've done. Goodell thinks Brady is responsible for this.

Liam Neeson: I have a plan. Maybe we can trick Goodell into thinking Colin Kaepernick crapped on his desk. It would teach that entitled shit head not to sit down during the national anthem. Plus Goodell thinks I'm Ben Afleck.

Bill Belichick: Haha true. Kaepernick needs to pay for betraying our flag. We're gonna report all the teams that don't stand up during the National Anthem to Peyton and he will help us evict those teams.

Liam Neeson: Sounds good. I'll catch you guys later because I'm off to hunt Colin Kaepernick.

Meanwhile we return to Goodell's office where Bell wants his suspension reduced from 4 games to 3 games.

Le'Veon Bell: Yo, Roger Goodell. Is there any chance I can get my suspension reduced to three games. I brought James.

Roger Goodell: James, you are going to tell me everything about the Al Jazir reports about you using PED's plus I need you to help me figure out who pooped on my desk.

James Harrison: Look Goodell I didn't do steroids or any PED. Le'veon wants to accept a have not punishment in exchange for a 3 game suspension.

Le'Veon Bell: I'll agree to have another slumber party with you and every other AFC North team if you reduce my suspension to 3 games. We can invite the Browns, Ravens, and Bengals and have it at Hogwarts as you tackle the issues in the AFC North. Heath Miller retired so he won't be able to Hulk Smash us to safety as we escape this time.

Roger Goodell: That's a good point Le'Veon. You got yourself a deal. You will be granted one less game on your suspension if the Steelers and the other 3 AFC North teams have a slumber party with me at Hogwarts.

Liam Neeson continued his chase for Colin Kaepernick. In the meantime, we will return to NFL Big Brother to hear what Larry Fitzgerald had to say to Jimmy Garoppolo.

Larry Fitzgerald: You were supposed to throw the game. Now you cannot be my Vice President. I guess I have to wait for my campaign manager Tom Brady to return in week 5 before searching for a new Vice President.

Jimmy Garoppolo: Sorry to hear that Larry. I still would have been your VP even though I beat you.

We now return to NFL Big Brother as the second team is about to be evicted. With Carolina gone, who would join them?

Julie Chen: House Guests. Carolina lost. The second team to join them is the San Diego Chargers. They led 24-3 and blew the game.

Philip Rivers: I cannot believe I don't even get to say Why so serious? This is bullshit. I'm pissed about being evicted from the game this early.

Liam Neeson finally caught up to Colin Kaepernick. Now they are about to have their exchange.

Liam Neeson: I got you Colin. Now you are going to tell Roger Goodell you pooped on his desk and you are going to stand during the National Anthem. Got it young man.

Colin Kaepernick: I'll tell Goodell you pooped on my desk if you donate money to my charity. I will not stand during the National Anthem though. That's my personal choice. Even Obama said that himself.

Liam Neeson: Oh like Aaron Hernandez? Ok.

Liam Neeson donated some money to Kaepernick's charity. Kaepernick went to Goodell's office, but Goodell was nowhere to be found. Maybe Goodell headed off to Hogwarts.

The 4 AFC North Teams arrived at Hogwarts by boat. Roger Goodell arrived by plane just to be a dick to the other AFC North teams. The Pittsburgh Steelers brought the Gateway Clipper while the Ravens got permission from Ray Lewis to borrow his yacht. The Bengals and Browns had shitty wooden boats that looked like boats at an amusement park on some cheap ass ride.

The 4 teams exited their boats. Then they stepped into Hogwarts as Goodell put on Professor Dumbledore's hat dividing the teams up Harry Potter style for his kick ass AFC North Slumber Party.

Roger Goodell: Alright. You know why you are here. We will be having a slumber party here tonight. Tomorrow there will be a Quidditch Tournament to decide which AFC North team gets a Hall Pass from NFL Big Brother. This Hall Pass will keep you from getting evicted. The Baltimore Ravens will be playing as Ravenclaw. The Cincinnati Bengals will be playing as Slytherin. The Cleveland Browns will be playing as Hufflepuff. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be playing as Gryffindor.

The teams went to bed knowing they had to prepare for a Quidditch Tournament. It didn't help that the Steelers had a game with Washington on the same exact day.

Roger Goodell: Alright. Welcome to our AFC North Quidditch Tournament. Today one team will win an NFL Big Brother Hall Pass. Ravenclaw VS Slytherin will be the first match. Hufflepuff will play Gryffindor in our second match.

The first game between Ravenclaw and Slytherin was interesting. Ravenclaw had more points, but A.J. Green caught the Golden Snitch putting Slytherin in the finals.

Joe Flacco: The Baltimore Ravens won't get a Hall Pass on NFL Big Brother. We are 1-0 though so we are safe this week.

A.J. Green: Man the Ravens were about as bad at covering me as the Jets were. Now the Bengals are in the finals and we will probably end up playing the Steelers.

Josh Gordon: Le'veon lets make this game interesting.

Le'Veon Bell: What do you have in mind?

Josh Gordon: I want some Hells Bell weed and you want some Josh Gordon Hush Hush. Lets play for weed winner gets the losers stash.

Le'Veon Bell: Deal.

Mike Tomlin: We're playing for the NFL Big Brother Hall Pass fool. We're not playing for weed fools.

Roger Goodell: That's right Coach Tomlin. I will reduce Le'veon's suspension as promised to 3 games since he honored our agreement. I need you to get him on the Gateway Clipper. I will fly the Steelers to Washington, but you need to give Bell the Gateway Clipper so he can return it.

Mike Tomlin: Will do Goodell. I hope you are ready for some Antonio Brown touchdowns.

Roger Goodell: I'm always ready for Antonio Brown touchdowns. He's a class citizen, a great role model, and my star receiver on Draft Kings.

The game between Hufflepuff and Gryffindor finally took place. Gryffindor won when Antonio Brown caught the Golden Snitch.

Antonio Brown: I'm ready to face Slytherin and the Cincinnati Bengals. Once we beat the Bengals we will return to NFL Big Brother with the NFL Big Brother Hall Pass.

Watching A.J. Green and Antonio Brown fight for the Golden Snitch was like watching Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter chase the Golden Snitch in the Chamber of Secrets. It was legendary.

A.J. Green: Back off A.B. the snitch is mine.

Antonio Brown: Why don't you back off.

Green and Brown kept chasing the snitch. Eventually one caught the Golden Snitch.

Antonio Brown: Yeah. I caught the Golden Snitch.

Roger Goodell: Wonderful. Congratulations Pittsburgh. You guys won the Golden Snitch on NFL Big Brother.

The teams all headed back to NFL Big Brother. Goodell went back to his office. He saw someone that looked like a homeless man holding up a I pooped in your office sign. Can you spare me some change. Goodell figured out Kaepernick crapped in his chair on 9/11, but felt like giving him the silent treatment since any publicity would make Kaepernick more money.

Back at the NFL Big Brother house. Peyton Manning was mentoring Trevor Siemian. Then another team came forward and joined him in his quest to stop Roger Goodell.

Peyton Manning: Trevor I saw your win on Thursday. That was impressive stuff. In addition to the Patriots, I got 5 other teams to join our alliance. Those teams are the Houston Texans, the Indianapolis Colts, the New York Giants, the Miami Dolphins, and the Detroit Lions. Our alliance now has 6 people dedicated to fighting Roger Goodell with those teams Trevor.

Trevor Siemian: I know we kicked out the Colts last year. We should kick them out again now.

Peyton Manning: No, Denver plays the Colts in week 2 plus next weeks HOH will be either the New York Jets or the Buffalo Bills. Both teams lost this week so we could nominate one of them for eviction since the winner of that game will put the Dolphins and Patriots up for eviction in the Power Of Veto game next week. The Texans and Patriots are both on our side so we will be safe in September.

Eli Manning: I heard Dak Prescott yell kill in the huddle the same way you yelled Omaha. I also heard Aaron Rodgers yell 6-6-6. I think both are a part of Roger Goodell's NFL Martial Law plan. Also Ben Roethlisberger is here.

Peyton Manning: Send in Big Ben. Maybe the Hamburger Helper can help me fire up some burgers on the grill later tonight.

Ben Roethlisberger: Peyton, I would like to join this alliance. I have an NFL Big Brother Hall Pass for the Steelers since we won a Quidditch Tournament in front of Goodell at Hogwarts. I think Goodell will try to recruit the Ravens and Bengals to NFL Martial Law at some point.

Peyton Manning: Give me the Hall Pass and we'll let you in. You need to get to Washington for tonights game.

Ben Roethlisberger: I'd like to hold the Hall Pass for now. If we still have the hall pass by the time the Bengals and Ravens get evicted, it's yours. Also if you get nominated for eviction I will loan you the Hall Pass. All I am asking is you let me hold it for now so we maintain a low profile allowing us to sneak under the radar.

Peyton Manning: Ok that's a deal.

Peyton Manning teleported Ben Roethlisberger to Washington by yelling Omaha. Meanwhile this exchange occurred between A.J. Green and Darrelle Revis.

Darrelle Revis: The people of Revis Island are in great trouble. We may get evicted from our Island with the Jets wanting me to shut down Revis Island.

A.J. Green: Your coverage is endangering the people of Revis Island. There is no way you guys will win HOH if you play like that against the Bills. I'm picking up Sammy Watkins on my DraftKings team.

Peyton returned from teleporting. Jimmy Garoppolo was waiting to see him.

Jimmy Garoppolo: Peyton. I got a text from Brady saying that Goodell is going to put the Colts and Packers in the Super Bowl. Peyton, Luck and Rodgers both have joined Roger Goodell's NFL martial law.

Peyton Manning: I really don't want to get rid of the Colts yet. They are in our alliance. That being said if this is true and we kick them out now, the Bills or Jets cannot nominate us for eviction in week 2, and we will be HOH in week 6 with San Diego gone. Unfortunately, I have to kick out the Colts if this is true. Trevor wants the Colts out too.

Rex Ryan revealed his game plan real quick minutes before the Eviction ceremony.

Rex Ryan: Alright guys. We are 0-1. We beat the Jets we win HOH. We nominate the Dolphins and Patriots in the Power Of Veto team. Winner of that game stays in the game and the Jets join the other team in a double eviction episode in week 2.

Rex Ryan finished discussing his plan. We would now go to the Eviction Ceremony and find out who Peyton chose to evict in week 1 with teams not being able to vote on eviction until week 3 this season.

Julie Chen: Alright Peyton. Carolina and San Diego are out of the game. It is up to you to decide who we evict from this game.

Peyton Manning: This really was a tough decision. We really dislike the idea of nominating a team from our alliance for eviction, but we found something shady with the Indianapolis Colts so we have nominated them for eviction.

Julie Chen: Alright Indianapolis. Do you guys have any final words.

Andrew Luck: I'm really disappointed that you evicted us for the second season in a row. I think I have better odds of beating Brady in the Playoffs then beating Peyton Manning on NFL Big Brother.

Peyton Manning tried his best not to chuckle while Luck said this. Julie made the final announcement for this week.

Julie Chen: So we are now down to 29 teams. The Carolina Panthers, San Diego Chargers, and Indianapolis Colts have all been evicted from NFL Big Brother.

Next time on NFL Big Brother. Find out if the New York Jets or Buffalo Bills becomes the new HOH on NFL Big Brother. Find out the Patriots new innovative way for cheating on their opponents. Will this new scandal cause the Patriots to get nominated? Will Goodell increase Tom Brady's suspension? Who becomes the new face of the AFC with Luck out while Denver, Pittsburgh, and New England team up to stop Goodell. Find out all of this next time on NFL Big Brother.

Teams Evicted From NFL Big Brother

32. Carolina Panthers
    
    

31. San Diego Chargers
    
    

30. Indianapolis Colts